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So, I got the craziest e-mail this morning.
我今早收到封超疯狂的电邮
I don't mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
我不想扫你的兴，伙计，但那些壮阳药没用的
Believe me, I know.
相信我，我懂的
The e-mail I got was from the office of Stephen Hawking.
我收到了史蒂芬·霍金办公室，发来的邮件
You're kidding. Why?
开玩笑的吧，为啥啊?
He's coming to the university for a couple weeks to lecture, and he's looking for an engineer to help maintain the equipment on his wheelchair.
他要到学校来进行几周的演讲，想找个工程师帮他维护轮椅
That's amazing. You'll be like his pit crew.
太棒了，你就成他的后勤了
A word of caution: I would not do your Stephen Hawking impression in front of him. You're right.
友情提示，别在霍金面前模仿他。你说得对
I suppose that could be considered offensive.
这么做会很失礼的
Oh, Boy, Sheldon's going to freak out.
哦，老天，谢尔顿会兴奋死的
Oh, Yeah, he worships Hawking. I was actually thinking about bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
对，他很崇拜霍金。事实上我准备去时，带他一起，好让他也见见这位伟人
That's really nice of you, Howard.
你人真好，霍华德
It's no big deal.
小事啦
Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking.
来自霍金的限制令
It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan and Stan Lee.
放在伦纳德·尼莫埃（原版斯波克），卡尔·萨根（天文学家）和，斯坦·李（漫画家）的限制令旁边肯定很搭
Leonard, do you recall when I said
莱纳德，你还记得我说过
that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle,
我要改变人们对，希格斯玻色子的认识
and you said, "Sheldon, it's 2:00 a.m., get out of my bedroom"?
然后你说"谢尔顿，现在是凌晨两点，滚出我的卧室"吗?
Like it was ten hours ago. What about it?
就在十小时前，为啥说起这个?
Well, I believe I've done it.
我相信我成功了
And I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because, sweet Sam Houston, I did it.
我说我相信只是出于谦虚，其实，额滴个娘哟，我成功了
Really? That's incredible. Oh, here.Break out the math.
真的吗? 那太棒了，来，给我们演算一下
Oh, okay, let me see this.
好的，借用一下
All right, so this particle here is the boson moving forward in time.
好，这粒子表示玻色子随时间运动
Now, I was thinking... Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
我想到...霍华德，你继续吃吧，这个你看不懂的
Sheldon, I have a working understanding of physics. Yeah, good for you, and don't stop working on it.
谢尔顿，我有相当的物理知识，嗯，很不错，继续努力
Are you still going to tell him about you-know-who? Yep.
你还会跟他提那人吗?会
Are you still going to introduce him? Not on your life.
你还准备介绍给他认识吗?门儿都没有
Please, please, please let me meet Hawking.
求你了，求你了，求你让我见见霍金吧
I told you, no. But I said I'm sorry.
我告诉你了，不行、但我都道歉了
No, you said, "Would it help if I said I'm sorry? "
不，你说的是"如果我道歉会有用吗? "
And you never answered me.
你没有答我啊
So who owes whom an apology now?
现在该谁道歉了?
Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk. Why on earth would I want to do something nice for you?
谢尔顿，你是个傲慢的混蛋，我干吗要对你好啊?
Um... to go to Jewish heaven?
为了上犹太人的天堂?
Jews don't have heaven. Then to avoid Jewish hell?
犹太人没有天堂。那为了不去犹太人的地狱?
Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.
你认识我妈吧? 我已经在地狱里了
Howard, please. This is Stephen Hawking.
霍华德，求你了，这可是史蒂芬·霍金啊
Perhaps my only intellectual equal. Oh, you can't be serious.
智力上唯一可能与我，不相伯仲的人。你真是不可理喻
Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs.
试着换位思考一下，试想你身处满是狗狗的星球，你是唯一的人类
And then it turns out there's another human being.
然后你发现，居然还有另一个人类
Hang on.Are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
等会儿，你是说我们都是狗?
Okay, I can see you're going to take this the wrong way. Let me try again.
好吧，你好像理解错了，我再来一遍
Imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.
试想你身处满是猩猩的星球，你是唯一的人类
Get out of my lab. Oh, now they're so much smarter than dogs.
滚出我的实验室。别呀，猩猩可比狗聪明多了
Have you seen them on those little bicycles? Get out.
你见过他们骑单车吗?滚出去
How about dolphins? Out!
那海豚呢?滚
So, come on, how was the first day with Hawking? It was great.
和霍金的第一天怎么样?很棒
We talked about movies... I showed him some card tricks...
我们聊了电影...我给他表演扑克魔术
He even let me read a couple pages from his new book.
他甚至还让我看了几页他的新书
Something got you down there, bunky?
哥们，你唉声叹气个啥?
Howard, please, I'm begging you.
霍华德，我求你了
Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before? Three times.
拉杰，我们中你记忆力最好了，谢尔顿，以前求过人吗?三次
He begged the Fox network not to cancel Firefly.
他求Fox电视台不要砍掉"萤火虫"（科幻剧集）
He begged the TNT network to cancel Babylon 5.
他求TNT电视台砍掉"巴比伦五号"
And when he got food poisoning at the Rose Bowl Parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.
他在"玫瑰碗游行"时食物中毒，求一位他不信奉的神，快点结束他的生命
Do you understand how important Hawking is to me?
你知道霍金对我有多重要吗?
When I was six years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
我六岁时，还在万圣节扮过他呢
You're kidding. No, sir, no, I took my dad's desk chair,
你搞笑吧?不是开玩笑，阁下，我弄来我爸的办公椅
attached a Speak and Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat.
装上了儿童点读机，让我妹推去邻居家"不给糖就捣蛋"
Granted most people thought I was R2-D2, but still, I got a lot of candy.
虽然大多数人认为我是R2-D2（星战里的机器人），但我收到了很多糖果
You don't seem to be understanding the English word "no." Maybe a different language will help.
你貌似不明白英语里"不"的意思，换种语言，也许你会明白
Russian: nyet. Chinese: bu.
俄语:不，中文:不
Japanese: iie. Klingon: qo'.
日语:不，克林贡语:没门
Binary coded Ascii: 0110111001101111.
二进制ASCII代码，0110111001101111
It's actually 01100111. No!
应该是，01100111...不行
I'm not asking for me, I'm asking for Hawking.
这不是为了我，而是为霍金
Let me try gansta: Hells naw.
我试试黑话，你丫去死
Okay, look, how about this?
好吧，你看这样行不?
Just give him my paper on the Higgs boson.
你帮我把那篇，"希格斯玻色子"的论文给他（上帝粒子，霍金不相信它的存在）
If he sees the incredible breakthrough I've made, he'll reach out to me.
看到我惊人的突破，他会主动联系我的
What if he doesn't? He will; he's really smart.
如果他不呢?一定会的，他是聪明人
That's an interesting idea.
很有趣
Why don't you give me a minute to talk it over with my friends?
给我点时间，我和我朋友讨论下
How do I do that? You walk away. Walking away.
怎么做?走开。马上走
You do realize you own his ass right now. I do.
你知道他现在可以任你使唤了吧。当然知道
You can make him do anything you want.
你可以让他做任何事
Yeah, I know, I'm just trying to figure out how much I want to punish him.
是啊，我正想该怎么玩他
Well, don't be too mean.
不要太过了
Hey, fellas, I'm thinking about making some freshly brewed iced tea if anyone would like some.
嘿，各位，我要泡杯冰红茶，你们要吗?
I wouldn't mind a glass. I wasn't talking to you.
给我泡一杯吧，没跟你说
Bring him to his bony knees.
玩他个生活不能自理
Sheldon, come on back. Yes, yes.
谢尔顿，乖，过来下。来了，来了
What did you decide?
你们决定好了?
I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking. Great, thank you! Oh, that's terrific!
我会把你的论文给霍金教授。太好了，非常感谢，棒极了
But in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
但作为交换，我要你为我做些事
What kinds of things?
什么样的事?
Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
你知道"大力神十二难"吗?（出自希腊神话，大力神成神前的磨难）
Of course. You should be so lucky.
当然，你和他比下算幸运的
All right. What would you like me to do first?
好的、第一项要我做什么?
Well, I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
从擦我的皮带扣开始吧
By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw's silver.
没问题。我小时候，会帮我奶奶擦银器
And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma.
她会用在俄克拉荷马州的，成长趣事来逗我
Interesting woman. She once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat. That's nice.
她可有意思了。她曾用调味瓶砸死一只土拨鼠。真不错呢
That's a lot of belt buckles.
皮带扣还真多啊
Funny thing is, I only have one belt.
有趣的是，我只有一条皮带
Anyway, I'll let you get started.
总之，你还是赶紧开始吧
Oh, by the way, the little marks, uh, that look like water spots—I tend to stand too close to the urinal, so...
那像水渍的痕迹...我站得离便池太近了，所以...
...what you're seeing there is splash back.
那痕迹是溅出来弄的
You make sissy on your belt buckles?
你往皮带扣上沾尿了?
Mee-Maw's forks never had that.
奶奶的叉子上才不会有呢
Here is a black light to check them. And for your own peace of mind, you might not want to shine that around the rest of the room.
给你这黑光灯，方便观察，如果你想有个好心情，最好别用来照房间的其他地方
Sheldon, these look great.
谢尔顿，你弄得真不错
They're like magnificent little crowns to hang over my magnificent little jewels.
它们就像是戴在我"小宝宝"头上的，华丽小皇冠一样
How'd you get them so shiny?
你怎么能擦得如此闪亮?
Oh, I-I buffed them with Turtle Wax.
我用龟牌蜡擦的
The man down at Pep Boys says from now on, the urine should just bead up and roll right off.
汽修店那人说，从今以后，尿要是再沾上，就直接滑下去了
Way to go the extra mile. Your Mee-Maw would be proud.
谢谢你的多此一举，你奶奶会为你骄傲的
My Mee-Maw must never know of this.
这事决不能让我奶奶知道
Now will you give Professor Hawking my paper?
现在你会把我的论文，给霍金教授了吗?
Oh, my dear boy, no.Okay.
我亲爱的孩子，还不行
Next, this is a sexy French maid costume I bought for Bernadette.
接下来，这是一件我买给伯纳黛特的，性感法式女仆装
I thought it might spice things up and get her to dust my room at the same time,
我想它会增加情趣，同时让她帮我打扫房间
but I was wrong and really wrong.
但是我错了，真的错了
And you want me to return it for you?
你想让我帮你还掉?
No, no, no, mon petit cherie.
不，不，不，我的小心肝（法语）
What are you all staring at?
你们都盯着我干吗?
You ever seen a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
没见过千方百计想见霍金的人吗?
Hey Hello. It's not Saturday night.Why are you doing your laundry?
嘿，你好。今天不是周六啊，你怎么在洗衣服?
This is not my laundry.
这不是我的衣服
