1982.

That was the year I turned 13.

Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me

was being a teenager.

I was gonna have women, money, stay out late.

I thought it was gonna be the bomb.

'sup?

Chris! Chris! Chris!

Boy, was I wrong!

Chris!

Get in the bathroom and wipe the pee off the toilet seat!

Disgusting!

When I was 13, my mother convinced my father to move us out of the Project.

She always said Project is just another word for experiment.

In a lab, the government gives rats cheese.

In the Projetcs, the governement gives people cheese.

Dad, can we stop at McDonald's?

You guys have MacDonald's money?

Julius, the kids have to eat.

They ain't got to eat MacDonald's.

We got some beloni in the back. I'll pull over.

My father Julius always kept beloni handy just in case.

We get one combo meal.

Drew gets the burger, Tonya gets the fries, Chris you can have the drink.

One time I just got ice.

We moved to an apartment in Bedstyle, Brookyn.

Now had we known that Bedstyle would be the center of a crack epidemic,

I guess we'd have picked some place else.

Bedstyle even had its own motto:

"Bedstyle, do or die"

Look at that! Look at that!

Those were some of the guys that were gonna die.

If I ever catch any of y'all spray painting on anybody's wall,

I'm gonna put my foot so far up your behind, you'll have toes for teeth.

Get inside.

That's my mother Rochelle.

She had a hundred recipes for whooping ass.

Boy, I will slap the caps off your knees.

I will knock you into last night.

I will slap your name out the phonebook and call my Bell and tell I didn't.

That's my younger brother Drew.

There's nothing worse than having a little brother that's bigger than you.

My sister Tonya was the youngest and would do anything to get me in trouble.

Chris, clean that mess up.

- Tonya did it. - Huh-uh!

Did I ask you that?

Since I was the oldest, I had to be the emergency adult.

If you smell smoke,

and you think the house is gonna catch fire,

get your brother and your sister and get out of here.

If you smell gaz and you think the house is gonna blow up,

get your brother and your sister and get out of here.

If you smell smoke,

and your brother catches on fire,

get your sister and get out of here.

Fortunately, the house never caught fire...

and neither did my brother.

Mom, why is it that Drew and Tonya get to go to school in our own neighborhood

but I have to go all way out to Brooklyn Beach?

Brooklyn Beach was a poor italian neighborhood on the other side of town.

It was just like Bedstyle,

take away the gangs, add the mob.

Because the junior high school around here is like a

hoodlum factory.

And those white kids, they get an education.

Not a Harvard type education,

just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store type education.

Hey, dad.

Hey, baby.

What's up, dad?

Hey, daddy.

Hey, baby.

Tonya was my father's favorite.

What's wrong with your oatmeal?

Chris made it too lumpy.

And she knew it.

You don't have to eat it

I know you're not gonna threw that away.

Eat that.

That's 30 cent worth of oatmeal.

My father always knew what everything costs.

That's a dollar 9 cent in the trash.

That's 2 dollars on fire.

That's 49 cent of spilled milk dripping all over my table.

Somebody's gonna drink this milk.

Baby did you see this?

I've paid this.

- It says you paid half. - I know.

I gave you all the money how come you only paid half the bill.

I cannot even believe that you'd ask me that.

Just asking you a question. I'm trying to find out what's going on around here.

No, you're not. You're questioning my judgement.

You act like there's not a big red bill sitting on the table.

Okay, fine.

You do it then.

- I will. - Okay.

- I am. - Good.

- Fine. - Fine.

My parents taught me love is never having to say "kiss my ass".

Where the stamps at?

I was never cool growing up.

The coolest thing about me was this pair of white sneakers I had.