Topic（题目）:

Do young people enjoy life more than older people?

Target text（文章正文）:

Never does the topic, referring to whetherpeople enjoy life more than older people, fails to arouse the attention ofpublics. With the tremendous development we have made, I maintain that peopleat this day and age enjoy life more than people generations ago.

First and foremost, decades ago, peace issuch a desirable word for people around the world that they can only dream ofit day and night. Take the Nanjing massacre and holocaust as a convincing casein point, which took place in the Second World War, millions of Jews andChinese people were murdered cruelly and mercilessly due to the atrocities madeby German and Japanese militaries and fascists.But look at the picture now, during the time when China suffered from Wenchuan earthquake catastrophe, hundreds of varied countries come to help China get outof the trouble. Thus, we enjoy our lives more for the world become more peaceful.

Secondly, the rapid development of technology elevates our life standard to a great extent. When we look back onthe old days that human beings had passed, we are amazed at all kinds ofhigh-tech that we enjoy these days. With the Internet, people can know all the latest news and information with a click on a mouse, and we can listen music and watch a movie without stepping out of the house to listen to a concert and to go to the cinema. Moreover, we can travel around the cities to participatein more activities as well as communicate with our friend easily with a cellphone. How can people in the past enjoy such a convenient and relaxed life?

Furthermore, we enjoy our lives more because of the better medical care we have. The medical skill is more sophisticated nowadays and advanced facilities and equipments has been devised,we are able to conquer many deadly diseases now. For example, the DNA technology has help to uncover the secret of life and empower us to change ourselves. In comparison with this, for instance, people in the past had been suffering from the smallpox, which is considered as an uncuriable diseases that killed numerous people easily. But it is not a problem now.

In a nutshell, people nowadays enjoy morelife than people in the pass for the more peaceful world, the development of technology and advanced medical care.

Revised essay（批改后）:

Do young people enjoy life more than older people?

Never does the topic, referring to whether people enjoy life more than older people, fails to arouse the attention of publics. With the tremendous development we have made, I maintain that people at this day and age enjoy life more than people generations ago.（题目问的是年轻人是不是比老年人更享受生活？？不是过去的人跟现在的人比较，跑题了。）

First and foremost, decades ago, peace is such a desirable word（修改为: thing，更贴切）for people around the world that they can only dream of it day and night. Take the Nanjing massacre and holocaust as a convincing case in point, which took place in the Second World War, millions of Jews and（添加空格）Chinese people were murdered cruelly and mercilessly due to the atrocities made by German and Japanese militaries and fascists.（添加空格）But look at the picture now, during the time when China suffered from Wenchuan earthquake catastrophe （与上文中的earthquake重复，建议删除）, hundreds of varied countries come to help（过去了的事情了，因此修改为过去式 came and helped）China get out of the trouble. Thus,（添加now）we enjoy our lives more for the world become more peaceful.

Secondly, the rapid development of technology elevates（修改为elevated）our life standard to a great extent. When we look back on（添加空格）the old days that human beings had（修改为have）passed, we are（修改为would be）amazed at all kinds of high-tech that we enjoy（修改为 are enjoying）these days. With the Internet, people can know all the latest news and information with a click on a mouse, and we can listen（添加to）music and watch a movie without stepping out of the house to listen to a concert and to go to the cinema（建议做精简）. Moreover, we can travel around the cities to participate in more activities as well as communicate with our friend easily with a cellphone. How can people in the past enjoy such a convenient and relaxed life?

Furthermore, we enjoy our lives more because of the better medical care we have. The medical skill is more sophisticated nowadays and advanced facilities and equipments （没有复数，修改为 equipment）has been devised,（添加空格）we are able to conquer many deadly diseases now. For example, the DNA technology has help to uncover the secret of life and empower us to change ourselves. In comparison with this, for instance, people in the past had been suffering from the smallpox, which is considered as an uncuriable（修改为incurable）diseases that killed numerous people easily. But it is not a problem now.

In a nutshell, people nowadays enjoy more（添加空格）life than people in the pass for the more peaceful world, the development of technology and advanced medical care.

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

首先，最严重的问题是，偏题了。题目问的是年轻人是不是比老年人更享受生活？ 而这篇文章整个都是在拿过去和现在做比较。这个错误比较严重，因此会严重影响得分。

另外就是注意时态的用法，还有单词与单词之前的空格，还有拼写错误，注意规避。

预估分数：12

学习建议：

1、学习议论文篇章结构和框架。在议论文中，每一段落有一个主观点。主观点必须写在段落的第一句话，这句话称为主旨句。在议论文中，每个段落只论证其中一个方面。

2、每个段落主旨只有一个，支持论据可以排列几个，并用完整句子回答。