Topic（题目）:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is better to spend money on something that lasts a long time, such as an expensive piece of jewelry, that on something that provides short-term pleasure, such as a vacation.

Target text（文章正文）:

When it comes to investment, I prefer to spend money on short term investment for the astonishing inflation rate, juvenile delinquencies by bad mannered rich kids who inherit a lot and my satisfaction.

First of all, I need to demonstrate why I am willing to be a risk-adverse investor by the crucial fact that the accelerating inflation rate can destroy our dream which might lead us to a millionaire（dream of becoming a millionaire）because of the interest rate from depositing in bank. Simultaneously, the foreign currency is under the hazard due to unstable political environment. Given that one thousand dollars could be converted into ten thousand Chinese Yuan, whereas they only equal six thousand Yuan now. With the reason above, I would like to invest or consume what I get immediately instead of burying the money like seeds and looking forward to their surplus in the far future.

Moreover, I have made (up) my mind to leave no long term investment that my children won't get any capital or fixed asset from me in that too much rich kid go astray because their tremendous wealth. For instance, a rich man killed his young wife in JiangSu province, China, just during a common quarrel about family chores to some extent because he is so affluent that no one violated his word even during his childhood.Those events are so thought-provoking that I couldn't stop imagine the disastrous consequence when my children inherit my valuable assets such as jewelries.

Last but not least, it is possibly that I will provide my family with a luxury travel or English learning training which can benefit us far further (,) but not lock my money in the safe. On the one hand, not only all my family can get relax, but also I can satisfy myself (for) that I can finally make a contribution to my parents. On the other hand, I truly believe that invest in ourselves in time that can make us keep the trend with the world, which doesn't mean I am a trend follower, but a person who never want to be abandoned by the information age.

I definitely stick to my choice that instant investment could brings along with more merits because they will never live up to my desire that be a knowledgeable person with broad traveling experience and theoretical knowledge (,) and they will meet my personal satisfaction, even better they could indirectly mold the shape for my children.

Feedback and Review（点评及修改）

优点：

总的来说，整篇文章的内容不错，架构组织也很好。

缺点及改进建议：

1、文中标红的地方均有问题，从句套从句的时候注意结构和意思的完整性，不要累赘和复杂化整个句子。例如：

juvenile delinquencies by bad mannered rich kids who inherit a lot and my satisfaction.

First of all, I need to demonstrate why I am willing to be a risk-adverse investor by the crucial fact that the accelerating inflation rate can destroy our dream which might lead us to a millionaire （dream of becoming a millionaire）because of the interest rate from depositing in bank.

2、标点符号运用需要加强， 文中出现多符号遗漏。

3、词性误用，作主语的动词+ing, 副词不要当形容词用。

4、时态：should,could后都用动词原形。

5、句式要变换些，长短句综合，不要都是很长很长的句子，可以断句的句子就不要叠在一起。