The Brown and Levinson model says, roughly speaking, that Person A probably does not want to be rude to Person B, but in the way of things, life may sometimes require Person A to contradict or intrude on Person B, and when that happens, Person A has a range of "politeness strategies" to draw on. There are four main possibilities, given in ascending order of politeness. The first is a "bald, on-record" approach: "I'm going to shut the window." The second is positive politeness, or a show of respect: "I'm going to shut the window, is that OK?" The third is negative politeness, which presumes that the request will be an intrusion or an inconvenience: "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I want to shut the window." The fourth is an indirect strategy which does not insist on a course of action at all: "Gosh, it's cold in here."

The first three of those options are plain instrumental speech, and are the sort of approaches that the conversation manuals warn you against. The fourth one alone leads into the realm of conversation as such. Here the purpose of speaking is not so much to get a point across, more to find out what others think about it. This principle of co-operation is one of the things that sets conversation apart from other superficially similar activities such as lectures, debates, arguments and meetings. Other qualities which help to define conversation include the equal distribution of speaker rights; mutual respect among speakers; spontaneity and informality; and a non-businesslike ambience. The last of these was well caught by Johnson when he defined conversation as "talk beyond that which is necessary to the purposes of actual business".

If conversation, and politeness, do have common features across time and culture, it is not all that surprising that newer manuals will find little to add in terms of fundamental principles. They can, however, offer specific tips which are useful in the right circumstances, and these, too, change little with the years. "Never recount your dreams in public," wrote the anonymous author of "Maximes de la Bienséance en la Conversation", one of the first manuals of conversation published in France, in 1618. Margaret Shepherd, author of "The Art of Civilized Conversation", a manual published in America in 2006, offers the same prohibition. Among the ill-judged remarks that she calls "saboteurs of small talk", she includes "self-absorbed comments like ‘I had the strangest dream. You were in it. Uh, let me try to remember it’."

The more modern the manual of conversation, the more concrete its advice is likely to be. Ms Shepherd offers seven quick ways to tell if you are boring your listeners, which include: "Never speak uninterrupted for more than four minutes at a time" and "If you are the only person who still has a plate full of food, stop talking." Her checklist of things best not said to the parent of a newborn baby should be memorised for future use. It comprises: "What's wrong with his nose?" "Should he be that colour?" "Isn't he awfully small?" "Shouldn't you be breast-feeding?" "Did you want a boy?" "Is he a good baby?" "He looks like Churchill!/She looks like ET!" "It's really cute!"

It is easy enough to see the usefulness of such tips, but they capture none of the joy which comes from the mastery of conversation. For enthusiasts conversation is an art, one of the great pleasures of life, even the basis of civilised society. Mme de Staël, a great talker and intellectual of the French ancien régime, called conversation "a means of reciprocally and rapidly giving one another pleasure; of speaking just as quickly as one thinks; of spontaneously enjoying one's self; of being applauded without working...[A] sort of electricity that causes sparks to fly, and that relieves some people of the burden of their excess vivacity and awakens others from a state of painful apathy".

The Athens of Socrates and Plato, in the 5th and 4th centuries BC, is often seen as home to a first golden age of conversation. That view has relied mainly on the writings of Plato, whose dialogues, often with Socrates as speaker, constitute "a search among friends...for the divine ideas of the true, the beautiful, the good", says a modern French scholar, Marc Fumaroli.