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巴托比专栏
The return of The Economist's agony uncle
《经济学人》知心大叔回来了
Pets, drugs and schedule send: another postbag for Max Flannel.
宠物、毒品和定时发送：给麦克斯·弗兰内的读者来信。
Dear Max,
亲爱的麦克斯，
My employer has a policy of allowing dogs in the office.
我的雇主允许带狗上班。
Almost everyone there seems to think this is tremendous but I don't like the things.
几乎所有人都认为这个政策超级好，但我不喜欢狗。
(To be honest, I don't like people either but I accept that they should be allowed to come to the workplace.)
(老实说，我也不喜欢人，但我同意应该允许人来上班。)
Is there anything I can do, or do I have to grin and bear it?
我有什么办法吗？还是说我只能强颜欢笑，默默忍受？
You are not alone: I probably get more letters about this topic than any other.
烦恼的不止你一个：我收到的关于这个话题的信件可能比其他任何话题都多。
It's very hard to admit to disliking dogs, so lots of people end up suffering them in silence.
因为很难承认自己不喜欢狗，所以很多人最后都只能默默忍受着它们。
You could talk to HR about ending the policy, but would risk being known to all your colleagues as the psychopath who hates puppies.
你可以和人力资源商量一下终止这项政策，但这可能会让你的所有同事都认为你是一个讨厌小狗的精神变态。
It's much better to try to subvert the system.
试图破坏这个制度要好得多。
My advice is to say that you need to bring another type of much less acceptable animal to the office.
我的建议是，你就说你需要把另一种不那么容易让人接受的动物带到办公室来。
If pressed, use the word “wellness” and hint at discrimination if they do not seem keen.
如果有人追问，请使用“健康”一词，如果他们对这种动物不怎么热心，就暗示他们是在搞歧视。
With luck they will reach the conclusion that it is best simply to ban all pets.
如果幸运的话，他们会得出结论，最好直接禁止所有宠物进办公室。
My boss is very enthusiastic about the idea of using psychedelics in the workplace.
我的老板对在工作场所使用迷幻剂的想法很感兴趣。
She claims it is a way of unlocking creativity and bringing people together:
她声称这是一种释放创造力和将人们聚集在一起的方式：
She wants our team to go on a group ketamine retreat and keeps sending emails with subject lines like "Let's ket it on!" Should I go?
她想让我们团队集体来一场K粉团建，并不断发送主题为“让我们继续前进！”的邮件，我应该去团建吗？
No. There is very little evidence that the use of drugs in the workplace genuinely increases creativity -- and lots of experience to suggest that they make you do things you later greatly regret.
别去。几乎没有证据表明，在工作场所使用毒品会真正提高创造力，而且有很多经验表明，毒品会让你做一些你之后会后悔的事情。
If you want to ingest psychedelics, my advice is to do it at home.
如果你想服用迷幻剂，我的建议是在家里服用。
If you want to be more creative in your thinking, go for a long walk.
如果你想让自己的思维更有创意，去散步很长时间吧。
And if you want to bond with your colleagues, do great work together.
如果你想和同事建立深厚关系，那就一起好好工作。
Tell her you are on other medication and cannot participate.
告诉老板你在服用其他药物，不能参加。
I have noticed that about five minutes before the end of one of my regular weekly meetings, the person chairing it will say, "I'm conscious of time".
我注意到，在一次每周例会结束前的五分钟，主持会议的人会说：“我注意到时间不多了。”
Aren't we all?
难道我们不是都注意到了吗？
I doubt it's meant as a boast.
我怀疑这是在自夸。
Even if it is, try to be generous-minded.
即使是在自夸，也尽量宽容大方地对待他。
Your meetings are probably more likely to end when they should.
这场会议很可能本会在它该结束的时候结束。
A colleague of mine has started bringing a skunk to work.
我的一位同事开始把臭鼬带来上班。
She claims that it is her comfort skunk.
她说这是她的陪伴臭鼬。
I asked HR whether this was really allowed and they started muttering some twaddle about dogs and discrimination; they also said that the skunk's scent glands had been removed.
我问HR真的允许这样做吗，然后HR开始絮絮叨叨地说一些关于狗和歧视的废话，HR还说臭鼬的气味腺体已经被切除。
I don't mind having animals in the office but this is ridiculous.
我不介意在办公室里养动物，但臭鼬也太离谱了。
Lots of my colleagues agree.
许多同事都同意这一点。
What can I do?
我能做什么?
This is ringing a bell.
这让我感觉似曾相识。
My advice would be to go back to HR and see if they would be prepared to ban all pets.
我的建议是回到人力资源部，看看他们是否准备禁止所有宠物。
If that doesn't work, you and your colleagues could try bringing in other animals.
如果这样做不起作用，你和你的同事可以尝试带其他动物来上班。
By the time the office resembles that scene in “Ace Ventura”, they will have to see sense.
等到办公室里变得像电影《神探飞机头》中的场景时，他们就会变得理智一点了。
My manager often says that "we need to go to the balcony".
我的经理经常说“我们需要去阳台”。
Everyone else nods, but then they don't actually go anywhere.
所有人听了都点头，但他们实际上并没有去任何地方。
As far as I can see our office doesn't even have a balcony.
据我所知，我们的办公室根本没有阳台。
In a meeting the other week one person said "this is a two-finger point " and the person running the meeting replied "let's double-click on that later".
还有一次在会议上，一个人说“这是一个两指观点”，然后主持会议的人回答说“我们晚点再双击这里”。
I have no idea what is going on half the time.
我有一半的时间都不知道这是在干什么。
What can I do to keep up?
我能做些什么来跟上他们？
Just hang in there.
坚持住就行了。
Incomprehension is an enormous part of office life.
不理解是办公室生活中常常会发生的事。
You will eventually develop a sense of what phrases like this mean.
你最终会对这类短语的含义产生一种感觉。
In fact, you will eventually start saying this kind of rubbish yourself and someone else will write to me about you.
事实上，最终你自己就会开始说这种胡话，其他人也会给我写信来抱怨你。
In order not to interrupt people's weekends and evenings, the managers at our company are encouraged to schedule non-urgent emails to arrive during work hours.
为了不打扰人们的周末和晚上，我们公司的经理被鼓励将非紧急电子邮件定时在工作时间发送。
The result is that at 9 am on a Monday, I get bombarded by 50 messages that all have to be answered quickly.
结果是，在周一早上9点，我被50条短信轰炸，都必须迅速回复。
Now my weekends are being totally ruined by the thought of all the emails that are being lined up for me.
现在，一想到这么多邮件都排队等着我，我的周末就完全被毁了。
Can you help?
你能帮忙吗？
"Schedule send" is a good thing but it moves work around rather than reducing it.
“定时发送”是好事，但它会转移而不是减少工作。
So unless people stop working at the weekends altogether, their efforts will eventually affect you.
因此，除非人们在周末完全不工作，否则他们的工作最终也会影响到你。
Your only real option is to tell people what time you want the assault to begin.
你唯一的选择就是告诉人们，你希望短信轰炸什么时候开始。
I wrote to you before about my boss's plans to have a ketamine retreat.
我以前给你写过信，说我的老板打算来一场K粉团建。
For the past few weeks I have been having the weirdest hallucinations.
在过去的几天里，我一直有最奇怪的幻觉。
I regularly imagine there is a skunk in the lift.
我经常想象电梯里有一只臭鼬。
Yesterday I could swear a man came to our staff meeting with a grim expression and a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig.
我发誓，昨天有一名男子来参加员工会议，他表情严肃，还带着一头越南大肚猪。
Is it possible that she is drugging us without our permission?
有没有可能我老板在没有我们允许的情况下给我们下药了？
I have good reason to believe that you are not hallucinating and that something else explains what you are seeing.
我有充分的理由相信你不是在产生幻觉，有其他一些理由可以解释你所看到的东西。
Please try not to worry about it.
请不要担心。
And if anyone from a different office ever has problems they want to share with me, do feel free to write.
如果其他办公室的任何人有问题想与我分享，请随时写信。
Till later in the year. MF.
今年晚些时候再见。麦克斯·弗兰内。
