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Business
商业版块
Bartleby
巴托比专栏
Mistakes on a plane
乘飞机时的错误做法
Hours without interruption and work to do.
几个小时不被打扰，而且还有工作要做。
You are not important enough to turn left on a plane.
你的身份没有重要到可以让飞机左转。
But you are important enough for the company to want you to have completed a project?risk update by the time you land.
但你的工作重要到公司希望你在落地时已经完成了对项目风险的更新检查。
You have six solid hours in the air, and the work should take no more than three hours.
你的飞行时间是整整六个小时，而这项工作所需的时间应该不会超过三个小时。
You are not in a middle seat, and no one can email you.
你没有坐在中间座位，也没有人可以给你发电子邮件。
What could possibly go wrong?
这样能出什么差错？
You find your seat, which is on the aisle.
你找到座位，座位靠着过道。
You take out your laptop and a book, and try to put them into the seat pocket in front of you.
你拿出笔记本电脑和一本书，努力把它们放进你前面座位的口袋里。
It is made for someone who has absolutely no interests but you manage, with some effort, to shove both of them in.
这个口袋是为完全没有兴趣往里面装东西的人设计的，但你费了一番力气，成功把两个东西都塞了进去。
As the plane fills up, your hopes of space around you go down.
当机舱逐渐坐满人，你也逐渐不指望周围会有多少空间。
You scan the people heading down the aisle.
你扫视着沿过道往前走的人们。
So does everyone else already in a seat.
其他已经坐在座位上的人也同样扫视着。
In this moment each passenger is being silently judged on only two criteria: girth and proximity to a baby.
在这一刻，人们对每位乘客都在进行无声的评判，评判的标准只有两个：腰围和与婴儿的距离。
Eventually you get up to make way for a couple to sit beside you.
最终，你起身让坐在你旁边的一对情侣进去。
Could have been worse.
这种邻座还不算最糟糕的。
You waste the first hour of the flight just faffing about.
你把飞行中的第一个小时浪费在忙东忙西上。
There is a surprising amount to do.
要做的事情多得令人吃惊。
You go through every film in the on-board menu three times, surprised anew by how so much choice can yield so little enthusiasm.
你把机载屏幕菜单中的所有电影名录来回浏览了三遍，并因为如此多的选择竟然让你如此兴致寥寥而再次感到吃惊。
You stir pepper into a tomato juice while wondering what is supposed to be happening as a result; the grains remain on the surface, unmoved by your efforts.
你把胡椒粉倒进番茄汁里搅拌，想看看结果会是什么样，胡椒粒停留在番茄汁表面，任你怎么搅也不沉下去。
You eat a tiny bag of pretzels as slowly as you can.
你以尽可能慢的速度吃了一小袋椒盐饼干。
You fall dramatically and briefly asleep.
你戏剧性地且短暂地睡着了。
Eventually, it's time.
最终，是时候工作了。
You attempt to remove the laptop and find it is completely wedged into the seat pocket.
你试图取出笔记本电脑，却发现它严丝合缝地嵌进了座椅口袋里。
You tug at it, without success.
你拽了几下，但没有成功。
You pull harder: nothing.
你使劲拽，还是一动不动。
And more violently still, until your grip suddenly loosens and your elbow flies back into the hand of the passenger next to you.
于是你更使劲地拽啊拽，直到你突然手一滑，胳膊肘撞上了你旁边乘客的手。
The hand holding a glass.
而那只手握着玻璃杯。
Also of tomato juice.
杯子里是番茄汁。
You apologise wildly.
你疯狂道歉。
They are both nice about it, but a palpable air of disgrace now hangs over seat 42H.
他们对此都很宽容，但现在42H座位上弥漫着明显的丢脸气氛。
You carefully pull back the seat pocket with your left hand as far as you can, and manage to lever the laptop out.
你小心翼翼地用左手尽量把座椅口袋拉下去，并设法把笔记本电脑撬了出来。
To your right, a lot of murmuring and the dabbing of napkins.
在你的右边，有很多低声说话的声音和用餐巾纸擦东西的动作。
You place the laptop on the tray table, turn the computer on and remember just how little room there is on a plane, especially now that you are determined to cause no more inconvenience to your neighbours.
你把笔记本电脑放在小桌板上，打开电脑，突然想起来飞机上的空间有多么狭窄，特别是现在你决心一定不要给邻座乘客带来更多的不便。
You tuck your elbows in, and your hands dangle in front of you.
你把两个手肘夹紧，你的双手悬在胸前。
You look like a T. rex about to take dictation.
你看起来像一只准备听写的霸王龙。
Your neighbour immediately asks if she can get past.
这时你的邻座立刻问她能不能出去一下。
You retrace your movements, closing the laptop, folding the table, putting things away.
于是你回放你的动作，合上笔记本电脑、折叠桌子、把东西收起来。
In the galley you can see the crew readying the trolleys for lunch.
你可以看到乘务员们正在厨房里把午餐放上小推车。
Give it another hour, you think.
你想，再等一个小时吧。
The meal passes without incident.
午餐平安无事地吃完了。
You drink wine from a can and for some reason think this is a treat.
你喝着罐装的葡萄酒，并出于某种原因认为这是一种款待。
You start to watch a film about a gorilla and a monster.
你开始看一部关于大猩猩和怪物的电影。
You have no interest in this kind of thing normally, but it turns out to be truly excellent.
你平时对这种东西一点不感兴趣，但事实证明这种电影很精彩。
The gorilla wins, or the monster does, or perhaps they both do.
大猩猩赢了，还是怪物赢了，还是他们两个都赢了。
You have three hours to go.
你还有三个小时。
The laptop comes out again, but by now the person in front of you has put their seat back.
笔记本电脑又拿出来了，但现在你前面的人已经把座椅放倒了。
With your own seat reclining and the tray table pulled right out, you can have the screen open at an acute angle of around 60 degrees.
你把自己的座椅也放倒，拉出小桌板，这样你可以把屏幕打开到60度左右的锐角。
You know that it's important that strangers cannot read company documents over your shoulder.
你知道，陌生人不能越过你的肩膀看到公司文件是很重要的。
But reading it for yourself would be nice.
但要是你自己能看到就好了。
All you can really do is insert your hands into the small space above the keyboard and hope for the best.
你真正能做的就只是把手塞进键盘上方的小空间里，然后希望一切顺利。
You type a sentence, pick up the laptop and angle the screen away from you, to read: "rag stusys: three redm seven amsber, two groin:"
你打了一行字，然后拿起笔记本电脑，把屏幕向外打开，读道：“破烂图苏：三红七阿马博，二腹股沟：”
You spend the next two hours typing blindly.
你在接下来的两个小时里盲打。
Occasionally you pick the laptop up again to check on what you are writing.
你时不时地再次拿起笔记本电脑，看看你在写什么。
You know what everything means but others would struggle to understand: it reads as though you are heroically drunk.
你写的东西你都读得懂，但其他人很难读懂：读起来就像你喝得酩酊大醉在说醉话一样。
You will have to go through everything again at the hotel.
你必须待会儿在酒店里把所有内容重新检查一遍。
Suddenly a noise.
突然电脑响了一下。
You peer at the screen and see that your laptop has announced that its battery levels are critical.
你凑过去看屏幕，看到你的笔记本电脑宣布电池电量已快耗尽。
Before you can think to yourself, "Did I save it?", it starts shutting itself down.
你还没来得及想“我保存文件了吗？”，电脑就开始自动关机了。
The screen goes dark.
屏幕变黑了。
You stare at it in disbelief.
你目瞪口呆，难以置信。
You press the on/off button. Nothing.
你按着开/关按钮。但屏幕没反应。
One hour to go, and the crew is coming round again, with something they call "a light snack".
还剩一个小时，乘务员们又回来了，他们带着一种叫做“小零食”的东西。
As you chew on a sub-zero-temperature scone, you start to brighten up.
当你嚼着温度在零下的司康饼时，你又变得开朗起来。
You have got no work done.
你什么工作都没完成。
Your neighbours hate you.
你的邻座讨厌你。
But you did drink canned wine while watching a film about a monkey and a monster.
但你也一边喝着罐装葡萄酒，一边看了一部关于猴子和怪物的电影。
Not a bad flight, all in all.
总的来说，这次飞行挺不错。
