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The hell of the sandwich lunch
三明治午餐地狱
Working and eating do not go together.
工作和吃饭无法兼顾。
The competition to be the worst two words in the English language is extremely hard-fought. Surprise party. Cruise holiday. Rice pudding. Keen golfer. The list goes on and on.
英语中最糟糕的两个单词是什么？要夺取这个称号，竞争是非常激烈的。惊喜派对。游轮度假。大米布丁。高尔夫球迷。这样的例子不胜枚举。
But right up there is "sandwich lunch". Separately, each of these words contains lots of promise. In combination they spell unmitigated disaster. Most obviously, they signal that your lunch is ruined.
但是有一个现成的例子：三明治午餐。分开来看，每个词都包含着很多美好的承诺。结合在一起，它们意味着十足的灾难。最明显的是，它们表示你的午餐毁了。
You might have been planning to stroll through a park, eat with a friend or chew your way through some YouTube videos. Now you will be spending your break working, trapped in a meeting room with several of your colleagues.
你本来可能在计划去公园散步、和朋友一起吃饭，或者用油管视频下饭。现在你将在休息时间继续工作，和几个同事一起被困在会议室里。
The centrepiece is a platter of sandwiches cut into triangles. There are paper plates. You are tempted to look around for party hats and balloons.
最重要的主食是一大盘切成三角形的三明治。有纸碟，这让你很想四处看看，寻找派对帽子和气球。
The fillings are unidentifiable. One is either cheese or polyurethane. You know that consuming it will not provide clarity.
三明治的馅料难以辨认。要么是奶酪，要么是聚氨酯泡沫。你知道，吃下去也不会让你弄清楚它是什么。
Not that you actually eat much. The etiquette of the sandwich lunch requires everyone to take less than they want, in order to signal to the wider group that they are team players who know how to share, not gluttons bingeing on free food.
不是说你真的会吃很多。三明治午餐的礼仪要求每个人都要少拿一些，以向大家表明他们是懂得分享的团队成员，而不是大吃免费食物的贪婪鬼。
People politely wait their turn and then restrict themselves to a few items. Your own paper plate is fairly typical: two triangles of bread, four salt-and-vinegar crisps, a limp salad leaf and one plum tomato.
人们礼貌地等待轮到自己，然后克制地只拿走几样东西。你自己的纸碟就相当典型：两块三角形面包、四片盐醋味薯片、一片软塌塌的沙拉叶子和一个小西红柿。
It's about as appetising as a cup of sand and much less filling. Once everyone has loaded up from this feast of delights, someone will expansively encourage you to dig in.
这碟食物的开胃程度与一杯沙子相当，饱腹程度则远远不及沙子。等每个人都从盛宴中拿了一满碟食物后，就会有人豪爽地鼓励你开吃吧。
"Where to start?" you think to yourself gloomily. You pick up the biggest of your four crisps and put it in your mouth just as the boss begins to lay out the agenda for the discussion.
"从哪里开始呢？"你忧郁地暗自思忖。你拿起四片薯片中最大的一片，放进嘴里，就在这时老板开始阐述讨论的议程。
Crisps are never noisier than when eaten at a sandwich lunch. Every bite thunders through the room; eyes flick your way with each crunch and then back to the speaker.
任何时候的薯片都没有三明治午餐中的薯片吃起来声音那么大。每一口咀嚼声都响彻整个房间，每嚼一下，就有目光瞟向你，然后又回到讲话人身上。
You wonder how long it takes for a crisp to dissolve through the action of saliva alone, and conclude it is better to just get the whole thing over with. Cue a desperate staccato burst of chomping.
你在想一片薯片仅通过唾液的作用需要多长时间才能溶解，然后得出结论，最好还是赶紧吃完算了。于是插入一阵绝望的短促断续的响亮咀嚼声。
All eyes are now on you. The boss has stopped speaking. One final crunch, and a swallow. The crisp is dead. So are your promotion prospects.
现在所有目光都落在你身上。老板已经停止说话了。最后嘎吱一口，然后咽下去。薯片死了。你的晋升前景也死了。
