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It can seem very confusing why certain long-term relationships survive and some don’t.
为什么某些关系能长久，而有些则不能，这看起来可能非常令人困惑。
It can - from afar - look as if it’s the most cruel and alarming sort of lottery.
从远处看，它似乎是最残酷、最令人担忧的一种抽奖。
Trying to explain love to a child or a visitor from another planet promises to be a perplexing matter indeed: all couples on their wedding day are united in wanting to make things work.
试图向孩子或来自另一个星球的游客解释爱情肯定会是一件令人困惑的事情：所有的夫妇在他们的婚礼当天都一致希望能让关系永远持续下去。
Then, for reasons beyond anyone’s comprehension, some of them simply seem to dissolve and others don’t.
然后，由于任何人都不能理解的原因，它们中的一些关系似乎消失了，而另一些关系则没有。
To remove some of the terrifying element of apparent chance (and encourage us to work on the right aspects of our own couples), it may be helpful to become deliberately reductive about the real reasons why breakups occur.
为了消除一些显而易见的偶然的可怕因素(鼓励我们与自己伴侣相处好)，这对减少分手发生的真正原因可能会有帮助。
We need - in this regard - first to discount certain causes that gain far too much airtime relative to their actual likelihoods.
在这方面，我们首先需要忽略某些原因，这些原因的播出时间远远超过了它们的实际可能性。
Of course, sometimes people break up because one party wants a younger partner.
当然，有时人分手是因为一方想要一个更年轻的伴侣。
Or because they want better sex.
或是因为他们想要更好的性生活。
Or because they are seeking a more exciting companion.
或是因为他们在寻找一个更令人兴奋的伴侣。
Or because their hobbies or political views have drifted apart.
或是因为他们的爱好已经不同或政治观点已经相悖了。
Or because things have - somehow - grown ‘stale.’
或是因为事情已经--不知何故--变得腻烦了。
But let’s quickly try to reduce the role we give to such explanatory factors:
但是让我们快速地试着减少我们给予这些解释因素的作用:
given the costs of break-ups, given the massive investments that people make in being together, given the chaos generated if there are children,
考虑到分手的代价，考虑到人们为了在一起所做的巨大投资，考虑到如果有了孩子会产生的混乱，
one can assert with a high degree of confidence that almost no one ever splits up for such familiar reasons.
人们可以非常自信地断言，几乎没有人会因为这样熟悉的原因而分手。
The real reason lies elsewhere; the real reason for break up lies in one or both spouse’s sense that they have not been heard, that something very important to them has been disregarded, that their point of view has not, at a fundamental level, been acknowledged and honoured.
真正的原因在其他地方；分手的真正原因在于配偶中的一方或双方觉得他们没有被倾听，对他们来说非常重要的事情被忽视了，他们的观点在根本上没有得到承认和尊重。
It doesn’t matter what the subject of this non-hearing happens to be:
这场没有被倾听的主题是什么并不重要：
it could be that they haven’t been heard about their views on money, or on the way the children are being brought up, or on how their weekends should be managed, or on how intimacy occurs or doesn’t occur.
这可能是因为他们一直没有倾听他们对金钱的看法，或者是孩子抚养的方式，或者是他们的周末应该如何安排，或者是亲密关系如何发生或不发生。
It’s feeling unheard for our differences that is unbearable; it’s never the presence of differences per se.
这是因为感觉到我们的差异被忽视，这是难以忍受的; 这从来不是因为差异本身的存在。
We don’t break up because a partner doesn’t agree with us.
我们不会因为伴侣不同意我们的意见而分手。
We could stand not getting what we want.
我们可以忍受得不到我们想要的。
We could stand a partner who votes another way than we do.
我们可以忍受一个投票方式与我们不同的伴侣。
Or who is no longer as young as they once were.
可以忍受不再像以前那么年轻的伴侣。
Or who has annoying friends.
可以忍受有烦人朋友的伴侣。
Or different tastes in holidays.
可以忍受在节日里品尝不同口味的伴侣。
What we can’t stand is someone who blocks us when we try to articulate how troublesome we find these areas of divergence; when our unique way of looking at existence seems a matter of basic indifference, that is too lonely and enraging to bear.
我们不能忍受的是，当我们试图说明我们发现这些分歧的领域有多么麻烦时，他们阻止我们; 当我们以独特的方式看待存在的时候，他们表现出一种冷漠，这太孤独和令人愤怒了，让人难以忍受。
It’s better to be single than unseen; after all, the unseen are alone anyway, whatever their ostensible relationship status.
单身总比不被看见要好；毕竟，不被看见的人无论如何都是孤独的，不管他们表面关系如何。
There is a big difference between a partner not doing what we want and a partner not hearing what we want.
没有做我们想要的伴侣和听不到我们想要的伴侣之间有很大的区别。
It’s entirely possible that one would remain with someone who doesn’t share most of our interests - so long as they happen to accept, and signal an understanding of, how much these interests matter to us.
完全有可能的是，一个人会留在与我们大部分兴趣不同的人身边--只要他们碰巧接受并表示理解这些兴趣对我们有多么重要。
It would be possible for us to live with someone who doesn’t want the same sort of sex as we do (or wants no sex at all), so long as they can at points see matters from our position - and can give a modicum of empathy to our hopes and longings.
我们有可能与和我们一样，不想有性生活(或者根本不想做爱)的人生活在一起，只要他们能时不时地从我们的立场看问题，并能理解我们的希望和渴望。
We could be with someone whose needs for affection run in a different direction, so long as they have the courage to listen to how ours operate.
只要他们有勇气倾听我们是如何运作的，我们就可以和一个对感情有不同需求的人在一起。
We don’t need partners to agree with us on everything; we need them to give off signs that they can accept the scale and legitimacy of our vision.
我们不需要伴侣在所有问题上都与我们达成一致；我们需要他们发出信号，表明他们可以接受我们观点的刻度和合理。
‘I understand’ is the phrase that could single-handedly rescue more long-term relationships than any number of anniversary celebrations or therapy sessions; it deserves to known as the most romantic phrase in existence.
“我明白”这句话比任何一次周年庆典或心理治疗都能拯救更多的长期关系；它当之无愧地被称为现存最浪漫的一句话。
There is a lot of hope in this thesis.
这篇论文很有希望。
If we want to stay together, we don’t need to be exceptionally beautiful or rich.
如果我们想要在一起，我们不需要特别漂亮或富有。
We don’t need to rely on chance.
我们不需要靠运气。
We don’t have to have brilliant sex or a friction free alignments of interests.
我们不一定要有精彩的性生活，也不一定要有无摩擦的利益联盟。
We just need to make sure that we are people who listen;
我们只需要确保我们是倾听的人;
who when the partner has something very important they need to get across to us, can bear to take things on board, can bear to acknowledge an opposite position,
当伴侣有非常重要的事情需要向我们传达时，我们能忍受同意接受，能忍受承认相反的立场，
can bear to say: ‘I can see this matters a lot to you… and I will try my hardest to think about it and see what I can do about it.’
能忍受说：‘我知道这对你很重要，…我会尽我最大的努力想一想，看看我能做些什么。
From here, it really doesn’t matter if things radically change or not; the vital work will have been done - and the relationship will have been assured.
从这里开始，事情是否彻底改变并不重要; 重要的工作将会完成，关系也将得到保证。
People described as ‘defensive’ may have a thousand charms.
被描述为“防御型”的人可能有一千种魅力。
But we should know that the most flawed open person is preferable to the most seemingly accomplished defensive one.
但我们应该知道，最有缺陷的开诚布公的人比看似最有防御性的人更可取。
The person we should settle down with isn’t the most attractive or the cleverest, it’s the one who feels no pride or compunction in readily saying: ‘I can hear what you are saying and how much this matters a lot to you… I get it.’
我们应该安定下来的人不是最有魅力的人，也不是最聪明的人，而是会毫不犹豫地说:“我能听到你说的话，这对你很重要……我明白。”
Or, ‘because I love you, this makes me curious, tell me more…’
或者，‘因为我爱你，这让我很好奇，告诉我更多…’
This person will surely one day annoy or frustrate us mightily (everyone does).
这个人总有一天会让我们非常恼火或沮丧(每个人都会这样)。
We’ll just be highly unlikely ever to want to break up with them.
我们只是不太可能想要和他们分手。
