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There is a particular kind of person who is always - it seems - unlucky in love.
有一种特殊的人总是--看起来--在爱情上不走运。
Despite their best intentions and efforts, they seem to move from one unsatisfying candidate to another without ever being able to settle.
尽管他们有最好的意图，尽最大的努力，但他们似乎从一个不满意的候选人转移到另一个，从来没有能够安顿下来。
One lover turned out to be secretly married to someone else,
一个情人竟然和别人秘密结婚了，
another - after an initial period of enthusiasm - never called back,
另一个经过一段热恋的初期之后—再也没有回电话，
a third turned out to be alcoholic and violent…
第三个情人原来是酒鬼和暴力分子……
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We can only express sympathy for what seems like so much bad luck.
我们只能对这如此糟糕的运气表示同情。
And yet, if one examines the problem at closer range, we’re liable to find that bad luck can only explain so much - and that there has, in addition, been a process of careful curation at work.
然而，如果我们更近一点审视这个问题，我们很可能会发现，坏运气只能解释这么多-此外，这项工作还包含一个精心策划的过程。
The unfortunate lover has not simply stumbled upon a succession of frustrating or mean-minded partners, they have actively sought these out and invited them in, while simultaneously ensuring that no kinder candidate could ever gain a foothold.
不幸的情人不只是偶然发现了一系列令人沮丧或刻薄的伴侣，他们还积极地寻找并邀请这些伴侣，同时确保没有更善良的候选人能够立足。
They still deserve a lot of sympathy, but not for the problem they have ostensibly complained about.
他们仍然应该得到很多同情，但不是因为他们表面上抱怨的问题。
It is logical to imagine that what we naturally want in love is someone who will treat us with respect and tenderness, with loyalty and thoughtfulness.
想象我们在爱情中自然需要的是一个会以尊重、温柔、忠诚和体贴的态度对待我们的人，这是合乎逻辑的。
But however much these may sound desirable in theory, in reality, such qualities are, in some, liable to provoke huge anxieties and - on occasion - feelings of revulsion.
但无论这些在理论上听起来多么可取，在现实中，这些品质在某些方面很容易激起巨大的焦虑，有时还会产生反感。
It might seem uncomplicatedly beautiful if someone makes us breakfast in bed, gives us endearing nicknames,
如果有人在床上给我们做早餐，给我们起可爱的昵称，
tells us how much they miss us, cries a little when we go away on a long trip and offers us a thoughtful-looking teddy bear to pack in our case.
当我们外出长途旅行时哭泣时，告诉我们他们是多么想念我们，并把一个看起来很贴心的泰迪熊放在我们的箱子里，它可能看起来很好，也不复杂。
There could surely be nothing nicer, except that is, if we are in any way in doubt as to our own value.
没有什么比这更好的了，除非我们对自己的价值有任何怀疑。
For the self-hating ones among us, such attentions are likely to trigger acute discomfort and anxiety:
对于我们当中那些自我厌恶的人来说，这样的关注可能会引发剧烈的不适和焦虑：
why does our lover seem to think so much better of us than we think of ourselves?
为什么我们的爱人似乎对我们的看法比我们对自己的看法要好得多？
Why do they hold us in such high esteem when we, for our part, cannot bear our reflection?
为什么他们对我们如此敬重，而我们自己却无法忍受自己的反思?
How have we come to be so heroic in their eyes when we are so despicable in our own?
我们在自己眼里是如此卑鄙，怎么会在他们眼里变得如此英勇呢？
Why do they call us beautiful and kind, intelligent and thoughtful when we feel as if we are none of these things?
为什么他们说我们美丽、善良、聪明、体贴，而我们却觉得自己根本不是这样的?
Their attentions end up having to be met with all the disdain we accord to false flatterers.
他们的关注最终不得不遭到我们对虚假奉承者的鄙视。
We are sickened to receive gifts that we are, deep down, sure we do not deserve.
在内心深处，我们确实不配得到礼物，但收到这些礼物时，我们感到难受。
It’s as an escape from this form of nausea that we may run into the arms of people who can be relied upon to be satisfactorily cruel to us.
正是为了逃避这种形式的恶心，我们可能会撞上那些可以信赖的人的怀抱，这些人会残酷地对待我们。
They aren’t delighted when we walk into a room, they have no interest in our childhoods or what happened to us today,
当我们走进房间时，他们并不高兴，他们对我们的童年或今天发生的事情不感兴趣，
they show no particular enthusiasm for sleeping with us, they flirt with others and give us no guarantee that the relationship will survive until tomorrow.
他们对与我们睡觉没有特别的热情，他们与其他人调情，也不能保证我们的关系能持续到明天。
It sounds appalling and in a sense it is, but it may feel a lot less appalling than to be showered by a kindness we are certain in our bones that we have never earnt.
这听起来令人震惊，在某种意义上确实如此，但与我们骨子里确信从未得到过的善意的洗礼相比，这可能会让人感觉不那么可怕。
At least the meanness on display accords perfectly with our assessment of ourselves.
至少表现出来的卑鄙与我们对自己的评价完全一致。
Whatever we may claim, there are almost always a host of potential romantic partners ready to treat us very nicely;
无论我们声称什么，几乎总有一大群潜在的恋爱伴侣准备对我们非常友好；
it is just that - without any awareness of the process - we have probably become experts at dismissing them at the first opportunity, tossing them aside with terms like ‘boring’ or ‘uninspiring’
只是我们可能在没有意识到这一过程的情况下，一有机会就把他们打发掉，用“无聊”或“乏味”之类的词把他们抛在一边
- by which we really mean: uninclined to think as badly of us as we think of ourselves or unlikely to make us suffer in the way we need to suffer in order to feel we are receiving the sort of attention that befits us.
——我们真正的意思是:不愿意像我们自己认为的那样把我们想得那么坏，或者不愿意让我们以我们需要的方式受苦，以感觉我们得到了适合我们的那种关注。
In truth, these kind people are generally very far from dull or stupid.
事实上，这些善良的人通常都不是很迟钝或愚蠢。
They have cleverly spotted something about us that we have not yet taken on board: that we are not appalling and that beneath our defences, we remain kind, sweet and worthy.
他们聪明地发现了我们身上一些我们还没有接受的东西：我们并不是糟透的，在我们的防御之下，我们仍然善良、可爱和值得的。
These observers just frighten us because, with their kindness, they challenge a fundamental pillar of our psychology, the idea that we are owed punishment.
这些观察者只是让我们感到害怕，因为他们的善良挑战了我们心理的一个基本支柱，即我们应该受到惩罚的想法。
We will learn to see many such kind lovers waiting for us in the wings, and will be far readier to let them into our affections,
我们将学会看到许多这样的恋人在未来等待着我们, 并会愿意让他们走入我们的情感之中，
the moment we can accept that, for all our many (yet utterly normal) flaws, we don’t deserve to be treated badly for the rest of our lives.
只要我们能接受这一点，尽管我们有很多(但完全正常的)缺点，我们的余生不应受到不好的对待。
