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2014 was a big year for me. Do you ever have that, just like a big year, like a banner year?
2014年对我来说是重要的一年。你有过这样的经历吗，就像丰收的一年一样。
For me, it went like this: October 3, I lost my second pregnancy.
我的经历是这样的：10月3号，我第二次怀孕流产。
And then October 8, my dad died of cancer.
然后是10月8号，我爸爸死于癌症。
And then on November 25, my husband Aaron died after three years with stage-four glioblastoma, which is just a fancy word for brain cancer.
再然后是11月25号，我的丈夫亚伦在患有四期胶质母细胞瘤(脑癌的比较酷炫的叫法)的三年后去世了。
So, I'm fun.
所以这一年充满了乐趣。
Now, since 2014, I will tell you I have remarried a very handsome man named Matthew, we have four children in our blended family, we live in the suburbs of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.
现在，从2014年开始，我和一个非常英俊的男人马修再婚了，我们有四个孩子，我们住在美国明尼苏达州明尼阿波利斯的郊区。
We have a rescue dog. I drive a minivan, like the kind where doors open and I don't even touch them.
我们养了一只搜救犬。我开着一辆小货车，那种门一开我碰都不会碰一下的车。
By any measure, life is really, really good, but I haven't "moved on."
不管以任何标准衡量，我的生活都是非常非常美好的，但是我还没有“向前看”。
I haven't moved on, and I hate that phrase so much, and I understand why other people do.
我没有往前看，我非常讨厌这句话，我也理解为什么大家都要向前看。
Because what it says is that Aaron's life and death and love are just moments that I can leave behind me -- and that I probably should.
因为这句话就是在说，亚伦的生、死和爱都是我可以抛掉的记忆，也许我应该将这些统统抛掉。
And when I talk about Aaron, I slip so easily into the present tense, and I've always thought that made we weird. And then I noticed that everybody does it.
当我谈到亚伦的时候，我很容易陷入现在时，我一直觉得这让我们很奇怪。之后我注意到大家都是这样。
And it's not because we are in denial or because we're forgetful, it's because the people we love, who we've lost, are still so present for us.
并不是因为我们否认过去或者太过健忘，而是因为我们爱的人，我们失去的人，还在我们身边。
So, when I say, "Oh, Aaron is..." it's because Aaron still is.
所以，当我说“哦，亚伦是……”是因为亚伦还是……。
He's present for me in the work that I do, in the child that we had together, in these three other children I'm raising, who never met him, who share none of his DNA, but who are only in my life because I had Aaron and because I lost Aaron.
他存在于我的工作中，存在于我们共同的孩子中，存在于我抚养的另外三个孩子中，他们从未见过他，和他没有任何血缘关系，但他们之所以出现在我的生活中，只是因为我有过艾伦，也因为我失去了艾伦。
He's present in my marriage to Matthew, because Aaron's life and love and death made me the person that Matthew wanted to marry.
他出现在我和马修的婚姻当中，因为亚伦的生、爱和死亡让我成为了马修想娶的那个人。
So I've not moved on from Aaron, I've moved forward with him.
所以我没有放下亚伦，我是在和他一起向前看。
These are the experiences that mark us and make us just as much as the joyful ones, and just as permanently—long after you get your last sympathy card or your last hot dish.
这些经历给我们留下了印记，就像那些快乐的经历一样会长久存在，在你收到最后一张慰问卡或者最后一盘热菜的很久很久之后都还存在着。
Like, we don't look at the people around us experiencing life's joys and wonders and tell them to "move on," do we?
比如，当我们看着周围那些正在体验生活的乐趣和奇迹的人时，我们不会告诉他们“向前看”，不是吗？
We don't send a card that's like, "Congratulations on your beautiful baby," and then, five years later, think like, "Another birthday party? Get over it."
我们不会送一张卡片上面写着“祝贺你有个漂亮的宝宝”，然后，五年后，你的心情是“纳尼，又过生日？？？”
But grief is kind of one of those things, like falling in love or having a baby or watching "The Wire" on HBO, where you don't get it until you get it, until you do it.
但悲伤就像坠入爱河、生孩子或者看HBO电视台的《火线》一样，只有你经历了、体验了才能真正有所体会。
And once you do it, once it's your love or your baby, once it's your grief and your front row at the funeral, you get it.
只有说发生在你身上了，是你的爱，是你的孩子，是你的悲伤，是你坐在葬礼的前排座位，只有到那时，你才能感慨“啊，原来这才是悲伤！”。
You understand what you're experiencing is not a moment in time, it's not a bone that will reset, but that you've been touched by something chronic. Something incurable.
你明白你所经历的并不是某一时刻，也不是某根能复位的骨头，而是被某种慢性疾病所困扰，而又却无法治愈。
It's not fatal, but sometimes grief feels like it could be.
悲伤并不致命，但有时会让你觉得致命。
And if we can't prevent it in one another, what can we do?
如果我们不能防止悲伤发生在别人身上，那我们能做些什么呢？
We need each other to remember, to help each other remember, that grief is this multitasking emotion.
我们需要他记住，帮他记住，悲伤是一种多任务处理情绪。
That you can and will be sad, and happy; you'll be grieving, and able to love in the same year or week, the same breath.
你可以难过，也会难过，会开心；会悲伤，但在同样的一年或一周，同样的呼吸里，你也可以去爱。
We need to remember that a grieving person is going to laugh again and smile again. If they're lucky, they'll even find love again.
我们需要记住，一个悲伤的人可以再次大笑，再次面露微笑。如果幸运的话，他还能再次找到真爱。
But yes, absolutely, they're going to move forward. But that doesn't mean that they've moved on.
但是，是的，他们当然是在继续生活着，但并不意味着他们已经向前看了。
