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Most moms, as we know, love to text, almost as much as they love to leave long voicemail.
大部分的妈妈 正如我们所知 都喜欢发信息 就跟她们喜欢留很长的语音信箱一样
So over the past few months, before the virus drove us underground, we've been asking our celebrity guests
所以在过去的几个月里 在病毒把我们逼入地下之前 我们一直在请求我们的明星嘉宾
to read real text messages from the women who brought them into this world. And the result is this Mom Texts.
读一读那些把她们带到这个世界的女人发来的真实的短信 “‘妈妈’的信息”内容如下
My mother and I are neighbors in Long Island. So sometimes I will get a text like this:
我妈妈和我都住在长岛 我们是邻居 所以有时候我会收到这样的短信：
Can I come swim? My pool is 72 burrr.
我可以去你家游泳吗 我的游泳池刺棱的慌
Don't have to eat. I have plenty.
不需要吃东西 肉太多了
Actually, going for a walk. Maybe tomorrow.
其实 我正想出去散散步 要不还是明天去吧
No, fine, I changed my mind. Didn't want to get wet.
不 好吧 我改变主意了 不想被弄湿
So I texted my mom recently: What's up with you guys?
我最近跟我妈发信息：怎么样啊你们
and she replied: we're watching "The Crown" what's up with you?? (two question marks) We can utilize the "pause" button! (exclamation point).
然后她回我了：我们正在看《王冠》 你有啥事儿??(两个问号) 有事的话我们就先按“暂停”键!(感叹号)
I forgot that you could utilize the pause button.
我忘了你们还会用暂停键
My home girl selling burritos let me know if you want one.
我有个姐妹儿卖墨西哥卷饼 你想吃的话跟我吱一声
Lmao wtf. Hell nah! She making the bitches on the fLO!!!!?
笑死了(laugh my ass off) 什么鬼(what the fuck) 她竟然在fLO上搞女人
Just a reminder, don't ever ever ever dive into a swimming pool period or into an ocean or lake ever ever. No matter what!!!
只是提醒一下 永远不要在游泳池或者海洋或者湖泊里潜水 无论如何都别做
You cannot rely on someone saying it's safe or thinking that it's deep enough. Oceans have sandbars that look deep but really are up to your ankle.
有人说很安全或者感觉水足够深 不要相信他们 大海里有看上去很深的沙洲 但是其实只到你的脚踝
Just go in it steps or scoot in on your bottom gently. Even jumping feet first is dangerous too, unless you ball up tightly.
一步步走进去就好 或者用屁股轻轻地快速顶进去 就算先用脚跳起来也很危险 除非你蜷缩得很紧
You can jam your legs and do the same damage if you don't ball up when you're jumping.
如果你跳的时候不蜷缩 那你的腿就有可能会被卡住 这样会造成同样的伤害
Avoid both. You're TALL and you can NOT risk it at all! Never! No matter what. Love you.
两种情况都要避免 你个子太“高”了 所以“坚决”不能冒险 坚决不能！无论如何都不能 爱你
Were you ever contacted to be in the South Dakota Anti-meth Campaign? Their slogan is controversial. Just curious. No. I wasn't.
你参加过南达科塔州的反冰毒运动吗 他们的口号是有争议的 只是好奇 (不 没参加过)
Can you talk? Call me if you can. But imagine that like a Bronx Jewish accent. And then I say
方便开语音吗 能开的话跟我开一下 (想象一下布朗克斯的犹太口音) 然后我回复了她：
You're writing this to the whole family. Name a family member you want to talk to and we can figure this out,
你这条信息是发到群里的 你要是想跟谁说话就艾特一下谁 然后我们就能明白
to which my mom responds: I want to talk to everyone!!!
然后我妈妈回复了我：我想跟每个人说话!!!
I yell it, because she put three exclamation points at the end.
我想她应该是吼出来的 因为她在后面加了三个感叹号
So my mom and I watch old movies together in Turner Classic Movies. We were watching the movie Giant. She texts me:
我妈妈和我都在看特纳经典电影频道的老电影 我们在看《巨人》然后她发信息给我：
Sal Mineo had a big-ass head, although he was attractive. Yep.
萨尔·米尼奥的头太大了 虽然挺有魅力吧 (没错)
Dearest Boop. Interesting day here. Was wielding a handheld small vacuum on the stairs yesterday.
亲爱的 昨天很有意思 我在楼梯上正用我的小型手持式吸尘器打扫卫生的时候
Missed my footing, fell backwards, vacuum welled up and crashed onto my arm and then onto the whole floor.
没站稳 向后倒了下去 结果吸尘器冒出来砸在了我的胳膊上 然后又砸在地板上
I executed some sort of swivel halfway down since and nearly followed it nose-first but managed to clutch the banisters.
之后我在半空中旋转了一下 几乎是鼻子朝下 但还是努力抓住了栏杆
thought my arm was broken but just badly bruised. Phew. I finished the day with a lovely Thai meal with Seb.
我还以为我的胳膊断了 但是伤得很重 唷 最后和赛博一起吃了一顿美味的泰国餐结束了这一天
She does all her own stunts.
她整个在表演特技
We got our shingles vaccine this morning. Sweet dreams my love. Love you so very much.
今天早上我们打了带状疱疹疫苗 做个好梦亲爱的 非常爱你
I love you so very much too mom.
妈妈 我也非常爱您
So I had a sketch on SNL get cut for time and then when she saw what went in its place she texted me this:
我剪了《周六夜现场》节目上的幽默短剧的小片段 她看完之后给我发了这样一条信息：
That last sketch ate...that's a good mom.
最后那段吃shi吧 嗯 是个好妈妈
Well, happy Worst Mother's Day ever.
好吧 有史以来最开心的“最遭母亲节”
