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On a beautiful, ordinary summer day in 2009, I watched my partner drown.
2009年，在一个美丽的，平常的夏日，我经历了伙伴的溺水。
Matt was strong and healthy—just three months from his 40th birthday.
马特是个强壮和健康的人-当时离他40岁生日还有3个月。
We had joked that he was half mountain goat, able to scale waterfalls if need be.
我们还开玩笑说，他是半个野山羊，如果需要的话，他可以爬到瀑布上。
There was no reason he should have drowned. It was random, unexpected, and it tore my world apart.
他根本不应该溺水的。这件事情很随机，出乎意料。
We had gone out to the river on the first sunny day after several weeks of rain.
几周的降雨过后的第一个晴天，我们去了河边。
Matt went swimming while I stayed in the woods with our dog. When he called out for help, I saw him swept away by a flood-swollen current.
马特游泳时，我在树林中和我们的狗在一块。当他呼救时，我看到他被洪水卷走了。
The dog and I ran in, trying to save him, but were carried two miles downstream.
我和狗狗跑了过来，想去救马特，但是被带着往下游走了两公里。
Search teams found Matt's body three hours later. I thought I knew quite a bit about grief. After all, I'd been a psychotherapist for nearly a decade.
三个小时后，搜救队发现了马特的尸体。我认为我对悲伤很了解。毕竟，我做心理治疗师已经快10年了。
I had worked with hundreds of people, from those wrestling with substance addiction and patterns of homelessness to private-practice clients facing decades-old abuse, trauma, and grief.
我曾帮助过成百上千个客户，从那些与药物成瘾和无家可归的模式作斗争的人，到那些面临着几十年的虐待、创伤和悲伤的私人诊所客户。
After Matt died, I wanted to call every one of my clients and apologize for my ignorance.
马特去世后，我想给所有的客户打电话，为我的无知道歉。
With all of my experience and training, if anyone could be prepared to deal with that kind of loss, it should have been me.
我有这么多年的经验和训练，如果有人能准备好面对那种失去的话，那个人应该是我。
But none of what I'd learned mattered. And I wasn't alone.
但是我学习到的东西都不重要。而且我不是一个人。
In the first years after Matt's death, I slowly discovered a community of grieving people.
在马特去世后的前几年，我慢慢地发现了一个伤心人的社区。
It wasn't just loss that we had in common.
失去不是我们唯一的共同点。
We shared stories of being encouraged to "get over it," put the past behind us, and stop talking about those we had lost.
我们分享被鼓励克服难关的故事，把过去泡在脑后，不再谈论我们失去的东西。
We were admonished to move on and told we needed these deaths in order to learn what was important in life.
我们被告诫要继续前进，并被告知我们需要这些死亡来学习生命中什么是重要的。
Even those who tried to help ended up hurting.
即使那些试图帮忙的人最后都受伤了。
Platitudes and advice, even when said with good intentions, came across as dismissive, reducing great pain to empty one-liners.
即使是出于好意，陈词滥调和建议也会让人觉得不屑一顾，会被认为是把巨大的痛苦化为一句空洞的俏皮话。
At a time when we most needed love and support, each one of us felt alone, misunderstood, judged, and dismissed.
在我们最需要爱和支持的时候，我们每个人都感到孤独、被误解、被评判、被抛弃。
It's not that the people around us meant to be cruel; they just didn't know how to be truly helpful.
不是我们身边的人有意要残忍，他们只是不知道怎样才能真正地提供帮助。
Like many grieving people, we stopped talking about our pain to friends and family.
像许多悲伤的人一样，我们不再向朋友和家人倾诉我们的痛苦。
It was easier to pretend everything was fine than to continually defend and explain our grief to those who couldn't understand.
假装一切都好，这要比不停地向那些听不懂的人解释我们的悲伤容易得多。
