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Let's get to some news here, guys. Today a federal judge ordered President Trump to turn over eight years of his tax returns.
来看看新闻，今天联邦法官命令特朗普交出8年的纳税申报记录。
I'm not saying it's bad, but right now Trump's accountant is climbing over his border wall into Mexico. Really?
我没有说这个不好，但目前特朗普的会计已经越过边境墙，跑到墨西哥了，真的吗？
Well, people are still talking about the impeachment. I saw that Trump said it's a bad thing to have on his resume.
当然，人们依然在讨论弹劾一事，小特说这可不好，不要写在简历上吧。
The only thing worse than having impeachment on your resume is having Rudy Giuliani as your only reference.
比将弹劾写在简历中更糟糕的事情是，让鲁迪当你的唯一推荐人。
I kind of like the idea of Trump even having a resume. Though I'm pretty sure under skills, all it would say is, can type over 50 tweets per minute.
我喜欢小特还有简历这个想法，我非常肯定上面小特的技能只有一个，那就是每分钟打50个推特。
Trump's never even really needed a resume. The only one he's ever made is a note to his dad which said, I your son, me want job.
小特其实不需要简历，他唯一做过的事情是给父亲的便签，上面写着你的儿子想要一个工作。
It's almost too real. It's almost too real. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi spoke in South Carolina this weekend and had a message for Trump regarding impeachment.
很真实，很真实，同时，本周末佩洛西在南加州讲话，并就弹劾一事谈到了小特。
She was pretty proud. Take a look at this. Donald, you used to own a casino. You know the house always wins.
她很骄傲，来看看，小特啊，你曾经拥有一个赌场，但庄家总会赢。
Trump was like, Not true, my casinos were a massive failure.
小特好似在说，不对，我的赌场是一场败局。
But Trump caused more, Trump caused more controversy today when he announced a new Middle East policy and sent some pretty crazy tweets about it, too.
但小特引发了更大的纷争，小特今天引发了更大的纷争，他宣布了一项新的中东政策，并为此发布了疯狂的推特。
In one he said, If Turkey does anything that I, in my great and unmatched wisdom consider to be off-limits,
其中一个说，如果土耳其做了任何我这个无与伦比的大脑认为禁止的事情，
I will totally destroy and obliterate the economy of Turkey. I've done before.
我将完全摧毁土耳其的经济，我之前做过。
And Trump said, And if Turkey really acts up, I won't pardon them on Thanksgiving.
小特说，如果土耳其真的出了毛病，我不会在感恩节赦免他们。
I saw that Vladimir Putin spent his birthday weekend hiking with a friend in the Siberian mountains.
我听说普京周末度过了生日，和一位朋友去西伯利亚山峰爬山了。
Putin said it was relaxing, while his friend called it the scariest 48 hours of his life.
普京说很放松，他的朋友称这是生命中最恐怖的48小时。
Go on, drink from canteen. Good for you. I'm good, man.
来吧，食堂里的酒，祝你好运，我很好朋友。
Going on a hike with Putin is basically the start of every episode of Russian Dateline.
和普京爬山是每一次俄罗斯日期线的开始。
Well, I have some good news. Starting today, the McRib is back at McDonald's. That's right.
来看看好消息，从今天开始，烤汁猪排堡将回归麦当劳，没错。
Apparently customers were asking for an alternative meat option, and McDonald's was like, Done, here you go.
显然顾客要求对肉类选择进行更换，麦当劳好似在说，更换了。
Not quite sure what this is. This is very nice. Mattel just released a new Judge Barbie. Check it out. Yeah.
还不确定那是什么，这个很棒，美泰公司发布了新的芭比法官，来看看，没错。
It's fun, but also a little weird when you walk in on your daughter being like, I sentence you to life without parole.
很有趣，但还是很奇怪，当你进屋撞见你的女儿在说，我判罚你终身监禁，不得保释。
Get in the hole, scumbag. Hey, get this. Over the weekend a woman managed to board a Delta flight without a boarding pass or I.D.
进洞里去，你这个小人，来看看这个，周末一名女性成功登上了一架达美航空飞机，没有登机牌或身份证。
It wasn't that hard, actually. Another passenger just had to say, This is my emotional support woman.
其实不难，另一名乘客不得不说，这名女性是我情感上的支撑。
Oh, this made me laugh. A couple is going viral for having a number of things go wrong while trying to reveal the gender of their baby.
这个很搞笑，一对夫妻火了，因为在检查他们孩子的性别时，发生了一系列的错误。
Take a look at this. Yeah, hit it. Oh, hit it hard! Oh! Not her...Oh, no! Oh, my God. What? Great. Now they'll never know.
来看看，击打，哦，击打，使劲，哦，不是女孩，哦，老天，好吧，他们永远不会知道。
The kid's not even born and the parents are already embarrassing it.
这个孩子甚至还没出生，父母已经让他出丑了。
And finally, this is going viral. A squirrel ended up in a woman's house,
最后一个，这个很火爆，一只松鼠发现在一名女性的房屋中。
so she used a broom to try to push it out the window. Unfortunately, things did not go the way she planned. Go, squirrel!
她使用扫帚希望把它赶出窗户外，不幸的是，事情没有按照她的计划走，快走松鼠！
The squirrel didn't leave the house but it did lose its hearing.
松鼠没有离开房间，因为它失去了听力。
I'm being told that until that squirrel is caught, the McRib is no longer available. Guys, we have a great show.
一直到松鼠被抓到后才有人告诉我，麦排骨下线了，朋友们，今天的节目很精彩。
