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After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor's office.
我丈夫把自己弄受伤后，我赶快陪他去看医生。
There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it.
在那里，护士给他包扎伤口，并指导他如何护理。
She then reassured him by adding, "Now, if you do everything I've told you, you won't be with us for long."
然后她又安慰她说，“如果你照我说的做，你不会在我们这里待很久的。”
In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver's license.
我岳父80多岁的时候，去机动车驾驶管理处更新他的护照。
At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign.
在路考期间，他一度接近一个四向停车点，向左看了看，然后径直穿过了停车标志。
"Sir! You didn't look to your right," yelled the frightened inspector.
“先生！你没有看你的右边，”这位受惊的检查员喊道。
My father-in-law calmly shook his head. "That's Mum's side."
我的岳父冷静地摇了摇他的头。“那是妈妈的立场。”
The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, "Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?"
谈话的话题是鼻子整形。我略感困惑的小女儿问道：“医生从哪儿弄来的新鼻子来代替旧鼻子?”
"They have a place that manufactures them," I answered. "It's called the 'olfactory.'"
“他们有一个生产这些东西的地方，”我回答道。“它叫‘嗅觉工厂’。”
While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage.
在购买浴室磅秤的时候，我发现了一款产品，它不仅能称体重，也能测量体脂重，骨量和含水率。
I nixed that one in favor of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, "I don't need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough."
我放弃了那款产品，选择了一款低技术含量的型号。正如我跟售货员说的那样，“我不想在四方面感到抑郁，一方面就足够了。”
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
当你看到蛋糕上的蜡烛时，你就知道你已经老了。就像说，“看看你能不能把它吹灭。”
Tracia and Patrick Kraemer met at a nudist park and fell in love. "It was our third date before we saw each other dressed.
特雷西娅和帕特里克·克雷默在一个裸体公园相遇并坠入爱河。“这是我们第三次约会，我们才看到对方穿衣服。
And that was a good thing," Tracia said, addressing Patrick, "cause had I seen you dressed on the first date, I probably wouldn't have dated you again.
这是一件好事情，”特蕾西娅对帕特里克说：“因为如果第一次约会我看到的是穿衣服的你，那我可能就不会再和你约会了。
You wore those two different brown plaids together; that was terrible."
你把那两种不同的棕色格子布穿在一起；这是很糟的。”
Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes.
马里兰州的《每日时报》的法律公告部分报道：迈克尔·雷·迪皮罗向巡回法院申请将自己的名字改为迈克尔·雷·福布斯。
His reason for doing so? "Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!"
他做这个的原因？“前妻想继续保留我的姓氏。她也可以保留这个！”
I RESOLVE TO LOSE... WAIT, IS THAT A DOUGHNUT?
我决定要减掉...等一下，那是一个甜甜圈吗？
Happy New Year! Time for the new diet—and the new excuses:
新年快乐！是时候开始新的饮食了，还有新的接口：
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
刚刚消耗了2000卡路里。这是我最后一次在睡觉的时候把巧克力糕饼放在烤箱里。
I'm not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories.
我对任何饮食计划都不感兴趣，除非它允许我摄入可延期使用的卡路里。
The only difference in my life when I'm on a diet is instead of saying "I ate nachos," I say, "I accidentally ate nachos."
我生活中唯一的不同就是当我在节食的时候，我不说“我吃了玉米片”，我说“我不小心吃了玉米片”。
Personal trainer: No pain, no gain. Me: Deal!
私人教练：没有付出就没有收获。我：好的!
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
我得往这个莫吉托鸡尾酒里放多少薄荷才能算上一份蔬菜?
