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And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right?
然后你满脑子都想着那一点成长的空间，不是么。
Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak.
这也是我研究的一个方面，因为当你跟人们谈论爱情，他们告诉你的是一件让他们心碎的事。
When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded.
当你跟人们谈论归属感，他们告诉你的是最让他们痛心的被排斥的经历。
And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.
当你跟人们谈论关系，他们跟我讲的是如何被断绝关系的故事。
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research --
所以很快的--在大约开始研究这个课题6周以后--
I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen.
我遇到了这个前所未闻的东西，它揭示了关系，以一种我不理解也从没见过的方式。
And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is.
所以我暂停了原先的研究计划，对自己说，我得弄清楚这到底是什么。
And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection:
它最终被鉴定为耻辱感。耻辱感很容易理解，即害怕被断绝关系。
Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?
有没有一些关于我的事，如果别人知道了或看到了，会认为我不值得交往。
The things I can tell you about it: It's universal; we all have it.
我要告诉你们的是：这种现象很普遍；我们都会有（这种想法）。
The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection.
没有体验过耻辱的人，不具有人类的同情或关系。
No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.
没人想谈论自己的糗事，你谈论的越少，你越感到可耻。
What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which, we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough.
滋生耻辱感的是一种“我不够好."的心态--我们都知道这是个什么滋味：“我不够什么。
I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough."
我不够苗条，不够有钱，不够漂亮，不够聪明，职位不够高。”
The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability.
而支撑这种心态的是一种刻骨铭心的脆弱，
This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
关键在于要想产生关系，我们必须让自己被看见，真真切切地被看见。
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability.
你知道我怎么看待脆弱。我恨它。
And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick.
所以我思考着，这次是轮到我用我的标尺击溃它的时候了。
I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year,
我要闯进去，把它弄清楚，我要花一年的时间，
I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it.
彻底瓦解耻辱，我要搞清楚脆弱是怎么运作的，然后我要智取胜过它。
So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
所以我准备好了，非常兴奋。跟你预计的一样，事与愿违。
